medium jokes

Three nuns were sitting on a bench, minding their own business. All of a sudden, a man ran past them completely naked. The first nun had a stroke. The second nun also had a stroke. The third nun almost had a stroke, too, but she couldn’t quite reach.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said, “Yes, the others were all eights and nines”.

Timmy comes to school late. When the teacher asks why, he tells her, “I had to take a cow down from the barn and get her bred”. Then the teacher asks, “Couldn’t your father do it?” Timmy replies, “Sure, but not as good as the bull”.

"My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals."

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

A guy goes to the doctor... He says, "Doc, every time I drink coffee I feel a sharp pain in my right eye." The doctor asks, "Did you take out the spoon?"

Did you hear about the guy who made his wife a necklace out of crystal meth? I hear it was pretty dope.

I've been thinking about getting a tattoo and I've finally decided on this one. I don't know what it means, but it looks really cool!

Ladies, if you don't want men looking at your cleavage then you shouldn't wear low cut shirts in an area I can see you with my binoculars.

here's my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you're welcome

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach. "That won't help you, Joe, you know?" "Oh it helps a lot," says the man, "it's the only way I can see the numbers!"

Why did the Mexican... ... throw his wife off a cliff? Tequila! ... go to the home improvement store in December? Fajitas!

I have this song in my head I haven't heard in years. I'm pretty sure it's called "Don't Speak"? On second thought, there's no doubt in my mind.

A robot walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender asks. "I need something to loosen up," the robot replies. So the bartender serves him a screwdriver.

I like the word funfetti because it takes confetti, which is used in somber occasions, like funerals, and it repurposes it for fun

How many communists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith? MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly? *Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

*Running late *Light turns green but car in front wont go *About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco *Is late for work

Paranoid? I don't even know what that word means. I don't have time to learn new words, people are trying to kill me.